Teenager emotions: What's normal? What's not?
5/9/2024 by Hannah Mulholland, L.IC.S.W., M.S.W.
The teenage years are full of emotional ups and downs. This time is crucial as your teen becomes more aware of their emotions as well as the emotions of others.
These emotional ups and downs are a developmental task of identity formation for teens through developing self-concept and understanding how they relate to the world around them. Teens do this through asserting independence, working towards a sense of competency and establishing social relationships. All of these tasks involve many feelings, ranging from disappointment to pride.
Emotions are not inherently problematic, and even negative emotions serve a purpose. Anxiety can be helpful when preparing for a test or performance. Anger can motivate us to reach our goals. Showing emotional regulation involves identifying our own emotions and then learning how to express them most appropriately to get our needs met.
We all experience times of emotional dysregulation in which we don't positively express our emotions. Forgiveness and understanding are key. This just happens WAY more often in teenagers.
Teens display outbursts of anger, tears, withdrawal, irritability and hostility — sometimes daily. During adolescence, emotions rule our lives. This behavior is consistent with brain development science. Most of a teen's response to the world is driven by emotion, not reason. The prefrontal cortex is what helps adults use logic and problem-solving, but this area of the brain still has a lot of developing to do in teenagers.
As much as you want to save them from emotional turmoil and distress, it is inherently a part of their development into adults. But you can create an environment where it's safe to express their wide range of emotions. It's normal to want to tell them the right way to feel and impose our logic, but it ends up being dismissive.
Tips to help your teen
Teens benefit most from being shown empathy, compassion and validation. They need to hear from the adults in their lives that life is hard and that their feelings are real and valid given the situation. They do not want to hear what you think they should do differently. They are striving to be understood.
Another strategy that can be helpful is approaching the situation with curiosity — in a nonjudgmental manner — once the intensity has decreased. Ask your teenager what they were feeling and if they know why. Wonder out loud with them. What made it get better or worse?
The question many ask is, "How do we know when this is more than normal teenage angst?" Watch for how your teenager is functioning. Are they eating? Sleeping? Connecting with friends? Going to school?
If they are no longer acting like you would expect or difficult emotions are lasting days or weeks, it may be time to get help. If you have concerns that your child may be suffering from a mood disorder, their primary care clinician is a great place to start.
Hannah Mulholland, L.I.C.S.W., M.S.W., is a clinical social worker serving children and adolescents in Primary Care in Rochester and Kasson's Division of Integrated Behavioral Medicine.