Cultivating vitality in your relationship
12/15/2025 by Marcia Johnson, L.I.C.S.W., and Kileen Smyth, L.I.C.S.W
Ultimate intimacy may be about the freedom to be ourselves. Knowing our intrinsic worth, we can be present with ourselves and our partners, whatever the circumstances. Here's how Jennifer Wetwood, poet and therapist, describes this:
“Willing to experience aloneness, I discover connection everywhere
Turning to face my fear, I meet the warrior who lives within
Surrendering to my emptiness, I find fullness
Each condition I flee from pursues me, each condition I welcome, transforms me.”
Moving from our conditioned ways of relating to more authentic ways of connecting can simultaneously be refreshing, scary and life-giving. Communication is the solution. Relearning to communicate is at the heart of intimacy. Learning to be emotionally present to ourselves and to others can be amazing. Why not give it a try?
Our Integrated Behavioral Health colleague, Denise Morcomb, L.I.C.S.W., says: "We should expect to have to learn how to communicate better as we grow in our relationships; otherwise, we're destined to continue communicating like we're 18 years old."
Moving beyond 18
Skills like problem-solving, negotiation and conflict resolution can be more challenging when we're with someone we think we "know." Over time, we often don't practice being vulnerable to those closest to us because things become comfortable, routine and easy. We think we can predict someone else's behavior. Sometimes it's essential to pause and discover what and who we don't know, which may prompt us to notice how we've changed. We can always be in the midst of discovery.
Learning to be vulnerable in a relationship can draw you closer, but it takes practice and time. Exploring new ways to connect may help you connect better and become closer. Consider trying some of these ideas.
C-U-L-T-I-V-A-T-E
Communicate. Speak and listen from a place of curiosity and non-judgmental awareness, speak of your vulnerability and listen to each other. Communication can be the solution. Take a risk to rediscover who you are individually and together.
Understand your partner's love languages. Try to really know what makes that person feel loved. First, you need to understand how they experience love so you can meet their needs and not your own. Move out of your comfort zone to give those things to them without waiting for something in return.
Love languages may be expressed through:
- Words of affirmation. Tell them what you appreciate about them.
- Acts of service (actions speak louder than words). "I called the vet today." "I cleaned out the dishwasher."
- Gifts. Better yet, don't just "do" for the other, put a note in their lunch tote or a thoughtful trinket by her plate.
- Quality time. Actually listen, respond and pay attention.
- Physical touch. Sit close, kiss, hug, hold hands.
Listen attentively. Start from a place of not knowing, where you don't need to fix or figure anything out, listen with heart and eyes and ears.
Try something new—bowling, dancing, theater, volunteering, community education classes, or a new sport.
Invite others into your circle of play. Create moments. Invite a few people for cards or a new game or visit nearby music venues.
Validate. Speak about what your partner does and knows, and express awareness of the simple things you appreciate.
Appreciate. Show appreciation through small expressions of gratitude, such as notes on the counter in the morning or on the pillow at night. These can be playful and simple.
Take time to pause. Be quiet together, go on an electric timeout, slow down the speed of life. Ponder your love maps (that part of your brain where you store meaningful events and moments of your relationship).
Engage in physical activity together. Take a hike, a walk, dance around the house, dance in the driveway, practice Tai Chi, yoga, snowshoeing, or take a dip in a nearby pool or lake.
V-I-T-A-L-I-T-Y
Visit a place or person or try something new that neither of you has done before.
Integrate self-care and self-compassion and speak about how each of you has done that. Consider discussing spirituality or what has meaning in your life today. Practice self-kindness.
Touch one another with humor. Learn to laugh at yourself or make each other laugh. Feel your feelings and allow emotions. Discover ways to lighten up. Play with not taking yourself so seriously.
Allow your partner to have some alone time with others. Authentically let them influence you. Notice what can happen when you leave some space to let go of the need for control. Enjoy.
Liberate yourself from your own defensiveness before you try to critique others. Speak about your awareness. Turn toward each other in times of challenge rather than away from each other.
"I love you." Say it and identify specific reasons. Write them down with pen and paper, or even on a mirror. Look for opportunities to express love as you say it.
Trust transformation. Surrender to the opportunity to be curious. Allow vulnerability to grow and enhance a spiritual connection. Old patterns that once kept us safe can sometimes become limitations.
Yes. Say "yes" to doing something you think the other person might like to do. Say yes to naming one thing you would like to do. Say yes to daring greatly.
One couple we know takes time out at the end of each year to go away and reflect on questions like: What worked for you and us this year? What would you like to discover or investigate next year? What things can I do for or with you to support you? What do you think you need for self-care? How can we plan for kids, travel, retirement and our next chapter in life?
"Relationships can build a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with symbols and rituals — and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you’ve become." John M. Gottman, Ph.D.
Marcia Johnson, L.I.C.S.W., is a social worker and therapist in Integrated Behavioral Health at Mayo Clinic Health System in Red Wing. She has worked for 25 years in psychiatry and behavioral health at Mayo Clinic in Rochester. She runs groups for senior vitality as well as cognitive behavioral therapy for depression and anxiety.
Kileen Smyth LICSWMSW, is a social worker and therapist in Integrated Behavioral Health at Mayo Family Clinic Northwest in Rochester, Minnesota. She has worked for 28 years providing individual and group therapy for people dealing with anxiety, panic, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression and an array of other challenges. She also facilitates group supervision and enjoys networking with mental health colleagues in the community.