Is parenting a teenager possible? Yes!
1/15/2024 by Hannah Mulholland, L.I.C.S.W., M.S.W.
Parenting a teenager can at times be rewarding and even fun, but it often results in feelings of frustration and a sense of a lack of control. Some interactions resemble two adults having an engaging conversation and then some interactions bring you back to raising a toddler.
Teens are in a unique state of development. They know they need you, but they don't want to need you. They crave independence. They seek peer interactions and approval. Most teens care much less about what their parents think than what their peers think. This dynamic can lead to frequent arguments as you navigate independence versus parental authority.
Communication and mutual respect is the key. Although it feels contrary to how you may have been raised, it's important to show your teenager respect. We can respect our teens by explaining the rationale behind our decisions, giving opportunities for independence, staying calm, taking an interest in their interests and asking their opinions. In turn, you can expect them to show respect in their interactions with you.
10 tips for parenting your teen:
- Take time to connect. This approach is unique to each teen, so connect with your teen over something they are interested in or you can do together. Some ideas are sporting events, shopping, cooking, exercising or just talking. Show up for them to important events or activities.
- Provide clear expectations. Have rules about curfew, friends, social gatherings and cell phones. Then stick to them.
- Listen to their opinions. Sometimes even let them influence yours.
- Expect responsibility. Your teen should be responsible for their own chores; after all, you won't always be there to clean up after them. Begin early by teaching them how to manage their money and save for their own wants and needs.
- Don't lecture. Brevity is a parent skill. Get to the point.
- Take the blame. Allow your teen to use you as their "out" when peer pressure is weighing on them. Let them refer to you as the "lame parents" who won't allow them to go to that party or who make them do their homework.
- Expect them to believe — and act like — the world revolves around them.
- Discuss drugs, alcohol and sex. Don't wait until something has already happened; plan ahead. It will be awkward but worth it.
- Show your love for them. Tell them how much you love them or do something special for them "just because." Some day (no guarantees) they will let you know how much they appreciated it.
Want to learn more about raising teenagers? Check out the InfoAboutKids.org website or read the book, "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk," by Adele Faber and Elain Mazlish.
Hannah Mulholland, L.I.C.S.W., M.S.W., is a clinical social worker serving children and adolescents in Primary Care in Rochester and Kasson's Division of Integrated Behavioral Health.