Struggling to discipline your child? Here's what works
4/8/2024 by Chris Derauf, M.D., and Angela Mattke, M.D.
"I was spanked, and I turned out okay." "Spare the rod, spoil the child." "Spanking isn't hitting, and it's not abuse." "It works!" "It's part of our culture." These are just some of the common responses from parents and caregivers in the U.S. — and worldwide — in support of spanking or hitting children as a form of discipline.
These are often disciplines ingrained in families, cultures and religions, not just in the U.S. but worldwide. However, a growing volume of research is showing that spanking or hitting children actually can have the opposite effect parents are trying to achieve. According to research:
- Spanking can increase anger and aggression, instead of teaching responsibility for behaviors.
- It can confuse children, especially if you're also teaching them that hitting others isn't right.
- Kids learn that hitting is acceptable.
- Physical punishment can foster depression and anxiety in children and even affect their performance in school.
- Spanking damages the whole parent/child relationship because someone a child loves hurts them.
- Infants don't understand hitting — they expect love and comfort from adults — and it won't change any behavior, but it will scare them.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends against using spanking or other physical punishment to discipline children. Through discipline, the goal is to teach children appropriate behavior. As a result, they learn skills to manage emotions, solve problems and interact with others around them. It's up to parents to model these successful behaviors and skills.
Some discipline techniques that are proven to be more effective include:
- Redirecting or distracting. This method is particularly effective with young children. For instance, if a child is upset that a sibling took their toy, give them another toy to play with. Redirection/distraction takes some practice to find out what works in different situations.
- Catching them being good. Paying attention to kids is a powerful tool for parents. If you try to catch kids being good, they'll respond by wanting to repeat the good behavior. Give positive praise and do it right away. If you see your child sharing, say, "Oh, I love that you asked your sister nicely for the toy." Sometimes all that's needed is a smile to let them know you've noticed. It's about downplaying the bad behavior and rewarding the good. For a rule of thumb, use a ratio of five positive "catches" to one negative catch.
- Taking a time out. This technique works for both parent and child! Sometimes parents need to step away from the situation with their child. While their child is in a time-out, they can put themselves in one, too. That can mean going to another room or sitting outside. Or, if the parent prefers, they can sit next to their child and say something like, "I need to calm down, too. Let's both take a break." Once everyone is calm, the parent and child can discuss what happened and what would have been a better behavior. This approach makes time-outs effective on two levels: the situation is handled more calmly and parents model self-control for their kids.
Mayo Clinic is currently working on introducing No-Hit-Zones at its clinics and hospitals. These zones are a way to promote calm, safe and caring environments for children where no hitting of any kind is allowed.
Learning new discipline techniques takes thought and practice on the part of parents. If you need help, talk about it with your primary care clinician. The AAP also offers tips about discipline and giving a time out.
Chris Derauf, M.D. is a consultant in the Department of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine at Mayo Clinic. He specializes in pediatric medicine and child abuse and is on the staff of the Mayo Clinic Center for Safe and Healthy Children and Adolescents in Rochester.
Angela Mattke, M.D., is a pediatrician in the Division of Community Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, which is part of Primary Care in Rochester and Kasson. She also hosts Mayo Clinic's "#AskTheMayoMom" interactive Facebook Live show, where she discusses and answers audience questions about common pediatric health topics. You can follow her on Twitter at @DrAngelaMattke. For more information about pediatric health topics, follow @mayoclinickids on Twitter.