Primary Care in Rochester and Kasson

Bullying — What is it?

10/27/2025 by Ika Kovacikova, M.D., and Jill M. Smith, APRN, C.N.P.

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The start of the school year is cause for excitement in most children. However, apprehension and anxiety can also surface, especially in children who have experienced bullying.

So, what exactly is bullying?

Bullying is defined as repeated unwanted and aggressive behaviors toward other children. This typically leads to a real or perceived power imbalance and can have lasting mental health implications and can affect school performance. Bullying can be physical, verbal, social/relational (spreading rumors or leaving someone out on purpose), or digital (also known as cyberbullying).

What can we do about it?

Adults can help prevent bullying by talking openly about it, building a safe school environment, and creating community-wide bullying prevention strategies. Adults can send a message that bullying is not acceptable by responding quickly and consistently. Even if your child is not the bully, talk to them about the role they play in bullying:

  • Kids who assist: These children may not start the bullying or lead it, but they serve as an "assistant" to children who are bullying. They may encourage the behavior and occasionally join in.
  • Kids who reinforce: These children aren't directly involved in bullying behavior, but they provide an audience. They often laugh or give support to the bullies. This may encourage it to continue.
  • Outsiders: These children remain separate from the bullying. They neither reinforce the bullying nor defend the child being bullied. Some may watch what is happening, but don't provide feedback to indicate they're on anyone's side. Just providing an audience may encourage the bullying behavior. These kids often want to help, but don't know how and need to learn how to be more than a bystander.

To stop bullying on the spot:

  • Intervene immediately; it's OK to get another adult to help.
  • Separate the kids involved.
  • Make sure everyone is safe.
  • Meet any immediate medical or mental health needs.
  • Stay calm. Reassure the kids involved, including bystanders.
  • Model respectful behavior when you intervene.

Here are some common mistakes to avoid:

  • Don't ignore bullying and think kids can work it out without adult help.
  • Don't immediately try to sort out the facts.
  • Don't force other kids to say publicly what they saw.
  • Don't question the children involved together, only separately.
  • Don't make the kids involved apologize or patch up relationships on the spot – wait until tensions settle to address this in a calm environment.

Seek help from law enforcement or medical staff immediately if:

  • A weapon is involved.
  • There are threats of serious physical injury.
  • There are threats of hate-motivated violence, such as racism or homophobia.
  • There is sexual abuse.

What should I do if my child is the bully?

  • Children who bully are often assumed to be “bad” kids. It is important to remember that these kids are also likely experiencing their own challenges, either at home or at school, that are contributing to these behaviors. Here are some tips on how to approach this situation:
  • Find time away from school and other distractions to talk openly to your child. Give your child the space to discuss their experience and how they feel about it.
  • Practice “putting yourself in their shoes” with your child. Explore how their behaviors might make them feel.
  • Help your child brainstorm more positive ways to interact with other children in the future. Model these behaviors.
  • Consider making amends by helping your child write an apology note.
  • If you have emotional or behavioral concerns about your child, start by talking to your child’s primary care clinician.

Cyberbullying is also becoming more prevalent as technology reaches younger audiences. Cyberbullies use technology or other electronic communication to disseminate negative, mean, harmful, embarrassing or false information about another person.

Cyberbullying is especially harmful as it can be persistent, permanent and public. It can sometimes be harder to recognize, as adults may not be privy to their child’s online activities.

To prevent cyberbullying, have transparent discussions about what your child is viewing on their devices. Pay attention to how your children behave around their devices. Some red flags may include:

  • Sudden increase or decrease in device use.
  • Decreasing willingness to share device with parents, and/or decreased willingness to discuss technology use.
  • Increasing social withdrawal.

If any kind of bullying is happening at school, learn what your state's anti-bullying law requires schools to do. Also learn how federal laws require schools to address harassment based on race, color, national origin, sex and disabilities, as well as ways to report situations that haven't been adequately addressed to the U.S. Departments of Education and Justice.

If you've worked with your child and your school and need additional help, here are some resources:

Ika Kovacikova, M.D., is a Community Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine physician in Rochester, Minn. She practices primary pediatric care at Mayo Family Clinic Northeast.

Jill M. Smith, APRN, C.N.P., is a certified pediatric nurse practitioner in Community Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine. She has a passion for adolescents, childhood mental health and encourages everyone to remember that children are watching, they are modeling the behavior, beliefs and words of others around them.